Amy's Long Run Formula for Success

Well, it's only taken me like 6 or 7 years or whatever, but I think I've finally discovered the KEY. The key that unlocks the mystery of the amazing long run. How often do your long runs just totally suck ass? Uhhh for me... like 91.3% of the time they either moderately suck or just completely suck. But, I've been unintentionally beta testing a formula and this morning I think I realized that THIS IS IT. It's incredibly simple and seems absofuckinglutely ridiculous.

Amy's Long Run Formula For Success:


2-3 glasses of beer or wine + 5 hours of sleep = Long Run Perfection.

W.T.F., right? You're thinking that this goes against everything you've ever heard about preparing for a long run or a race. One, alcohol is supposed to dehydrate you! And everyone always says... drink a shit ton of water before a long run. And, two, how can 5 hours of sleep be enough to power you through 2-3+ hours of running?

I can't explain it. I can only tell you that it works for me. Works brilliantly, in fact. 

The amount of alcohol and sleep are KEY here. Any more or any less and the formula breaks down.

Every amazing long run I've ever had (and really, there are probably only like 5 long runs in my entire life that I'd label amazing) I have followed this formula and while I've always kinda jokingly had this idea in the back of my head, I think I'm ready to fully commit to the formula and further my experimentation with it (on purpose).

It even happened to me this morning... I had 2 glasses of wine last night, along with about a 1/3 of a bottle of beer. I got into bed pretty late and had to get up early to get my long run in before work. When I went to bed, all I could think was... ohhhh shit, tomorrow morning is going to suck balls.

But, I woke up really easily when my alarm went off, I felt good as I got ready and when I took my first step, I knew... SHIT YEAH, this run is going to be awesome! And it was! (I mean, it did get a little hot at the end, but what can ya do?).

Intentional testing for Amy's Long Run Formula for Success is officially engaged. The real question is... will I ever have the guts to try it the night before a race??

Funktown Population: 1

I'm over it. I swear to God, I am. Emotionally and physically... I'm over it. Right? I mean, I'm back to my happy, optimistic self. I don't get teary-eyed or even angry anymore when I think about that day. Honestly, I don't even really think about it. But, as much as it feels like I've moved on... my runs have been total shit lately.

The week after the race, my runs were all great. I was fueled by emotions... some days it was anger or frustration that fueled my run, other days it was sadness and disappointment. But whatever it was... I felt something and it felt good to burn through it on a run.

Enter last week. Last week was the week that reminded me why I stopped "training" for marathons and races in the first place. Because it really, really sucks to not meet your goal (or to not even fucking finish). And now I'm left with feeling nothing about my running. Any confidence that I had from weeks of training, from kick ass speed work, from killing my half marathon PR... has all kinda gone to shit. I'm back to thinking that the marathon isn't my distance and that I just can't race it. That DNF totally dicked me over. Thanks for crushing my dreams and my soul in one fell swoop, bowels!

I realize in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal. It will pass. I'll have some spectacularly awesome run soon (PLEASE, GOD, LET IT BE SOON!) and my runs will start feeling better again. But, my head... that's going to take some serious un-fucking-up in the next few months.

Ummm... Alright.

In my extensive research of trying to pick a Goal Race for this fall, I came across this review of the Des Moines Marathon on October 21...

...

 
Obvs, Des Moines is on the short list now. Just to see what the hell all this is about.

Also, notice at the end of the review, the reviewer claims that Des Moines is "easily one of the best marathons in the country." This from someone who has supposedly ran 50+ previous marathons. You know what that means? This guy musta PRed the SHIT out of this course that day. Nobody would otherwise think Des Moines is one of the best marathons in the country. Methinks this is a good sign.

What's Next?

As I was dropping out of the race last weekend, all I could think about was a redemption race. Another shot at the marathon while I'm still in good shape and mentally prepared. I immediately thought of the Cleveland Marathon (which is this upcoming weekend) and remembered that I have a friend from Carolina running it.

Yes, I decided. I will run Cleveland in 2 weeks.

And then I had a 4 hour drive home from Cincinnati and decided... ummm... hell to the NO. Take some time off, enjoy the summer and get back to the marathon this fall.

So... what's next?

Well, I'm kinda obsessed with running a 5k right now. I haven't ran one since I started half marathon training wayyy back in December. So, that's definitely on the agenda. (A PR is on the agenda, too. Although, let's just say confidence in getting PRs is pretty low right now. Plus, marathon training and 5k training are uhhh... slightly different animals. Not sure what kind of 5k shape I'm in right now).

I've officially bailed on the 3 Stages Race in June. I mean, WTF was I thinking? Why would I ever want to do that race twice?

But, I'm not planning on sitting on my ass and doing nothing this summer. I am going to run a couple of marathons and knock off a couple of states for fun. And then this fall... This fall I will rendezvous with the marathon again. The location and date is yet to be determined... but I will get my race this fall.

Grazie Mille

A year of Italian in college and this is like the only thing I know how to say besides "I like orange soda."

YOU GUYS! Thanks. You're the best. I'm not really sure what I expected from telling you about my awful experience at the Pig... but, the nice, thoughtful words and virtual hugs I got really touched me! I mean, hell, most of you bitches don't know me AT ALL. So, thanks for that. I'm sorry that all I have to give to you in return are posts riddled with grammatical errors and cuss words. I'll try harder to be better (no I won't).

There is that little issue of the contest. Ummm... so, I thought I had covered all the possible issues that could arise when I laid it all out, but I guess I forget to have a DNF disclaimer. Oops. And, I don't have a finish time. Also, I kinda feel like you're an asshole if you actually want to win a measly $25 gift certificate from my awful, miserable race. I mean, that money would not have good mojo, right?

So, here's the deal. I'm a woman of my word. So, I used the random number generator to generate a winner. And instead of winning a $25 gift certificate that would have been composed of my broken dreams and tears and shit. You'll tell me what your favorite charity is and I'll donate $25 to them. Does this sound fair? (Realize of course, you will look like a complete douche if you bitch about giving the money to charity).

And the winner is...

Number 13: Andy! Andy, I have no idea who you are, so, if you will email me at 26point2ers@gmail.com I'll get your charity info from you and we'll get this taken care of!

More thank yous...

I also would like to thank Anna at Illusion Nail Spa for telling me the scaly skin on my left pinky toe that has been KILLING me in shoes (and in the first 2 miles of every run and all downhills) is not actually just a dry patch, but a freaking CORN. Who knew?

Related: I'd like to thank Dr. Scholl's. Dude. The corn pads are life changing.

Katie, I've loved your blog for a long time. But, now I love you, too. You guessed the lowest time in the contest and while bless your heart, there was no way I was running a 3:42:07 that day, when I read your comment, I was like... hells YES, this bitch is crazy and it gave me a little extra pump of self-esteem. So thanks for that.

Related: I'd like to thank The KoB for correctly riding that thin line of not picking a ridiculously fast finish time that I could never live up to or an offensively slow finish time that I would probably resent you over for the rest of your life. Well played, my friend. Well played.

I'd like to thank my dad and my brother J for never, ever asking me how a race went, until the one goddamn time that I DNF. Are you kidding me? There are 15 other marathons that you could have asked me about. OR WHAT ABOUT THAT 1:44:40 HALF MARATHON I RAN 2 MONTHS AGO?

Related: I'd like to thank my pacer Steve and my coach, Tanya for keeping me from going suicidal over the race non-finish this weekend. Because you guys helped me meet my main goal of the spring... to PR at the half distance and I rocked that shit. I'll always have Tom King 2012. The perfect day.

Thanks to Marathon Foto for getting the best pictures of me EVER in a race and of course that race just so happens to be the race I DNFed. Thanks for the memories, assholes.

And thanks to all my friends who have been understanding while I brooded and stomped around this week. I know that you all think I'm ignoring you. I'm the type that just kinda crawls into a giant, silent hole when I'm heartbroken. But, I'm good and over it and you're just going to have to deal with the fact that the Pig 2012 is going to be "that race which we never speak of." Thanks for the kind words, emails, texts, offers for drinks (you people REALLY know me) and most of the all the space. Love you guys!

Race Report: The Flying Pig Marathon

This is the post that I never wanted to write. And I certainly never dreamed I'd be writing it about THIS race. THIS race that I was in the best running shape of my life.

I'm not really ready/interested/willing to talk in great lengths about the race on here. Even if I was... there isn't a lot to say. I'm disappointed, pissed off, embarrassed, sad, and frankly, over it.

I'm not the type to wallow around in my failures, so, the idea of going into some melodramatic, detailed, woe-is-me race report kinda makes me want to vomit. But, I like you guys (most of you, anyway), and even though I'm kinda done talking about it, I feel like I owe you guys some sort of explanation. (And also, this way, instead of having 5 different conversations with some of you individually about this whole piece of shit race, I can just say it once and be done with it).

Sunday morning was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better start to a race. The weather was brilliant, I wasn't nervous, I was in my proper corral about 30 minutes before the start of the race, I was hydrated, fueled, and mentally prepared to push and hurt and run the race of my life.

And despite the perfect conditions, by mile 17, I was done. And the hardest thing, the most gut-wrenching part of the whole miserable experience is that I can't place the blame on one thing. I can't say, Amy, by doing this, you royally fucked this race up. SO DON'T EVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN!

I didn't go out too fast and blow up. I didn't suffer some kind of awful injury on the course (thank god). The hills didn't off me (although, they sure as hell tried). I didn't get too hot. The race wasn't too crowded. I wasn't undertrained or overtrained.

And yet, I didn't finish.

What pulled me from the race isn't some kind of glorious, epic excuse... Nope, I'm not awesome enough for that. I had to quit the race because I was literally running my guts out. From one porta potty to the next. There is no way to sugarcoat this, so I'm not even going to try; starting around mile 7, I got an awful case of the shits. At first, I thought I'd just have to make a couple of stops and it'd be no big deal. Unfortunately, it got to the point where about a tenth of a mile after my last stop, I was looking for the next porta potty.

I don't think it was my dinner the night before, or my fueling the morning of. I wasn't dehydrated or experiencing heat exhaustion, I didn't have some kind of random stomach flu or bug. I just couldn't run without having to stop every 3-5 minutes to take a crap. I don't know what the hell my problem was, but my stomach was not interested in me running a marathon that day.

And so instead of finishing my 16th marathon. I DNFed for the first time.

Onward and upward. Or whatever.

DNF

They're only 3 little letters. Not even an actual word, just an abbreviation.  But when strung together in such an order... they say it all. Better than any actual word could.

I really appreciate all the concern via texts, emails, and phone calls that I've gotten about the race yesterday. And I promise that I will get around to responding to them all and I will get around to writing a race report* (or whatever it is that you write when you DNF).

But for now, I need a little time and a little space to clear my head, mend my heart, and get over myfuckingself.



*Don't worry, I'm not forgetting the contest.